Lessons from 31 years of marriage, loosely linked to lessons from a very long hike!

I’m riding high from a week-long celebration of being married to my husband for 31 years! That’s a really long time (believe me) and worth celebrating!

We started the week with an extravagant destination concert to see Oasis, the sound track of our early years which was totally amazing. As one reviewer commented - “ for a Brit, it was like being at a football game with 90,000 of your best friends all cheering for the same team!” 

Then, a little hoarse from the concert, we headed out to Yosemite for a few days communing with nature and revisiting a place that we had fond memories from a visit over 20 years ago.

On the day of our anniversary we set off on a hike which would take us to two waterfalls with, for us, a fairly high elevation.  

As we began our ascent, we were in awe of the scenery around us which was just breathtaking, and magnificent, we reminisced about our wedding day, our marriage and family, then as we continued to climb, and talking and climbing became mutually exclusive I began to think about the parallels between the journey of the last 30 years and the journey we were on in that present moment - as usual I did get quite carried away so I have tried to distill my parallels down to the top 3 ok 4! 

The Daily Grind 

On any climb, some parts are tougher than others. When it gets steep, all you can really do is dig in and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ve got to know where you’re headed so you don’t lose track, but it’s the slow, steady steps that get you there. And eventually, the path evens out and you can relax a little.

Partnerships, relationships and marriages are much the same—you need a sense of direction, but it’s the everyday, one-step-at-a-time moments that matter most, especially when things feel uphill.

Nourishment is important

Unusually for us we had packed a variety of snacks and plenty of water for our hike, and even more unusual, we actually made stops to eat and drink along the route.  I had my fave snacks and he had his, and some we shared.  After each stop we felt refreshed, revitalized and ready to tackle the next section.  

It reminded me that making the effort to nourish yourself as an individual is so important in any relationship, finding things that fill you up and refuel you, help you to stay energized and happy.  At the same time finding things that you both enjoy is also important - and that changes over time!  Stuff we loved to do 30 years ago, I wouldn’t dream of doing now - and vice versa but that’s part of the fun, finding new things that fire you up, both individually and together! Who would have thought that Mark would love yoga, or me golf for example?? And yet here we are!

Learn to Pivot

The night before, we’d carefully mapped out our route at the campsite. I had photos of the trail maps saved in case we lost signal, and we even brought guidebooks with detailed directions—we were prepared. I’ll admit, I’m a planner (some might say control freak!), so I like to cover all the bases.

Sure enough, when we reached the fork in the trail—one we knew was coming—we found a sign saying it was closed for maintenance. Of course, that was the very path we’d chosen because it was shorter and less steep, the perfect way to get to the first of the two waterfalls. Rats.

So, we stopped, pulled out the book, and reworked our plan. The new route was longer, with more climbing, but after checking in with each other, we decided to go for it. And in the end, it paid off—better views, a bigger sense of accomplishment, and, yes, sore knees to prove it!

You can probably see where I’m headed with this. Having a plan matters, and so does having backups—but life rarely follows the map. There are always detours and closed trails. What really matters is checking in, staying flexible, and being willing to shift direction together—something Mark and I have had a lot of practice with over the last 30+ years!

Laughter and Love

As I said I have had to work hard to distill all the parallels I found as I walked along! And so I'll bring these last two together.  

All along the trail, we found ourselves laughing and smiling, reminiscing about our journey together. Of course, not everything since we got married has been lighthearted—there have been plenty of moments that were no laughing matter. But we’ve also been so fortunate that, overall, I’m certain we’ve laughed far more than we’ve cried.

And where we have cried, we were held by something we’d built together: a kind of blanket of love, woven slowly over years of daily life, nourishment, adjustments, and effort. It’s what has kept us safe, warm, and protected—wrapped up in each other.

So here’s to the next 30 years - adventure is out there!